Please Don't

Please don't call me and talk slow. 

I already don't like phone calls, but calls with a purpose are fine. 

Please don't call me and slow talk.


How arrrrreeeeee youuuuuuuuuuuu?

Fine.

I'm fine. 

Welllllllllllll IIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiii

*blank stare*

Please only call me if you can talk regular speed.  Regular speed is fine. 

Well, regular speed is acceptable if for some reason we can't text.

Semi-Outrage

Please stop chronicling your medical issues on Facebook.

Really. I don't need to know that you're on another antibiotic.

There's nothing wrong with asking for prayers or something if you're going through illness or have an injury. I get it.

But an update after every medical appointment really isn't necessary. Really.

You want me to pay what?

I've had the damnedest time finding swim lessons for the kid.  Apparently, out here in the boonies mothers are expected to not have jobs because Saturday classes are few and far between. 

I thought I found lessons at the Y.  $70 lessons because I'm not a member.  But. 

I was wrong.  Apparently there's a $50 fee to be able to pay the $70 fee.  $120 for a swim class for a toddler.  Tod.  Ler. 

I guess it's time to come up with plan D cause... ummmm.... yeah...

That ain't happening. 

Dear 18 month sleep regression

I hate you. I want to punch you in the face. 

This baby who is so exhausted she nearly fell asleep while getting changed she doesn't need your kind. 

Go away sleep regression. Your kind is not welcome here. 

Shhhhhh

I think the way your brain works is stupid. 

I think the things that are important to you are dumb.

I think it's better if you don't talk.

Never talk.

Never say anything

Don't even think.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Don't Ask Me

I have a low tolerance for faux helplessness. 

Puppies are helpless.
Babies...helpless.
Tiny baby chicks, totally helpless.

But you.  Your big grown ass.  You're not helpless. 

It's one thing to say, hey I need assistance here's my dilemma.  That's okay. 

But woah is me... I never had any chance.... ooohhhhh who will save me.

Save your damn self.  Don't ask me until you've tried. 

Do it yourself

It's awesome that you're off next week. I hope you have an awesome vacation. 

Here's the thing. You being off isn't my issue. 

You want 85 things done between today and tomorrow? Do it yourself.  

It's really universal

I don't have any outrage today...just want to reiterate that STFU is really universal and applies to all facets of life.

The world - the entire WORLD - would be better off if people learned to just stfu.

Seriously?!?!?

Did I really just get a text an a phone call about appointments?!?! 

Wtfrick makes you think it's ok to call me at 10:30PM to ask me about your nails? 

And why would you text me to ask me if there are any more appointments left besides what's on the site? 

THAT'S THE POINT OF ONLINE BOOKING........ DON'T CALL ME!!! 

ESPECIALLY THIS LATE!!! 

LEAVE ME ALONE!! 

What Is So Hard About STFU?

Why is shutting the fuck up so difficult? 

I should never watch daytime tv ever.  For any reason. People on daytime tv stress me out.  They make me tired.  Gives me heartburn. 

On court tv shows it seems like 85.9% of people that get their cases thrown out have it happen because they can't stfu.  Oh, you're just about to rule in my favor?  Let me say something that blows my whole case.  Because stfu is hard.

Oh, my opponent is making themselves look an ass?  I know.  I'll keep talking over them and annoying everyone.  I can't stfu, I might explode. 

You actually bought my story of bullshit, but I'm too dumb to keep my lie straight?  Let me keep talking and digging a hole for myself.  I like holes, you know what I don't like?  STFU.

Please stfu people.  Save yourselves

Decisions decisions

What's a chick to do? 

You played with my money......death to you. Well not death cause I don't want anybody to die but you get my point. 

So now comes the hard part. Do I play your game with you and not go back and not call, since clearly your policy is just do it, or do I do the mature thing go in and tell you how I feel to your little shiftless manipulative funny look face? 

Hmmmmm? 

Racist Butter

Paula Deen has said the n word.  And once she thought it would be a good idea to have a "back in the day plantation party" where they'd hire all black wait staff. 

Word got out thanks to depositions in a discrimination suit and pandemoneum ensued.  People are offended!  People are shunning butter!  People are never going to watch/read/eat anything slightly related to Paula Deen. 

I can say I've never watched Paula Deen's show.  I think I may have made one of her recipes from an internet search, but I can't tell you what that recipe was for.  I've never bought her cookbooks.  And I can honestly say I gave 0 fucks about her before.

And I give 0 fucks about her now. 

Let's be honest.  Everyone has said the n word.  Everyone in America.  With the exception of small children that don't know of its existence.  Every one else. Ev. .   Er. Ree. One.  And everyone has racial "issues".  Yes we like to pretend like oh no one sees anything but your beautiful souls.  But we're lying to ourselves.  Also - everyone's soul isn't beautiful. 

People are sad because Queen of LovinButter acts like an old southern lady. 

She's an old southern lady who acted like a old southern lady.  That's like getting mad when a tiger eats someone.  It's a tiger.  She's an old southern lady.

Meh.

You do the math

1100/2+75+10 does NOT = 524.50 

So why is that all I got? 

You got sum splanin to do Lucy! 

Really??????

Looks nice and innocent now. Imagine a mini geyser!!! And at 1a.m.!!!! 

Hello.......

WTF do you want? Don't you understand I'm working? Or on the toilet. Or asleep. Or doin it( in my dreams) . In other words.... I'm busy!!!! I dont eat sleep and breathe my phone. 

Don't send me a friggin text and when I don't answer in your acceptable amount of time you send me another text that says 

Hello......

No Goodbye!!! 

Dear coworker.

I don't like you. I don't even have a good reason. 

Well. Actually, you look like you funk up the bathroom. Maybe you don't. But you look like the type. 

Spray some spray. Please spray some spray. 

Grrrrrrr

If I see "sleeveless blazer" one more time my head is going to explode. Bitch, it's a vest. You made a VEST. Okay? Sheesh

Stop Buying Shit

You have no money? 

Paying bills making you sad? 

I've got a little something to tell you. 

You'd have more money if you'd stop buying shit. You don't need the stuff, your life isn't going to change. So just stop. 

Or....stfu. Either way works. 

I'm sorry to inform you but...

My kids didn't land in my lap as teens. Haven't I said this before?

Yeah, I didn't happen upon nearly grown kids.

I was pregnant.
I had infants.
I had toddlers.
I had adolescent children.
I've experienced sleepless nights. First steps. Exploding growth spurts.
I've experienced first teeth coming in and first teeth falling out.
I've experienced first day of Kindergarten.
I've gone to every gotdamn tourist site you could imagine on field trips.

So uhmm...yes. I DO get it. Because I wasn't handed two teenage children...I err, RAISED them.

Personal Responsibility

There all kinds of theories on what is 'wrong' with America, on why things seem to be worse socially than they were before.  I'm not sure that things are worse than they were before, or even when 'before' was.  But here's my theory.  The problem is a lack of personal responsibility. 

What is personal responsibility?  It is taking responsibility for yourself, for every choice you make, for every situation you find yourself in.  99.9% of the time you're not a victim of circumstance, or a "hater" or any other foolishness.  You're a victim of your own life choices, take ownership over your situation.  Unless you're being held captive, no forced you to do anything. 

This is not to say that people aren't ever impacted the choices of others, but the vast majority of the time people set themselves up.  So here is a list of things that are probably your fault:

• Your weight
• Your finances
• Your job
• Your friends
• What time you arrive to wherever you're going 
• The people in you inner circle 
• How people treat you

If "everybody" is always doing something to you, then you should look at what's in common, you're the thing in common.  Take ownership of yourself.  

Get over it!

So am I mistaken aren't people allowed to have their own opinions? 

Isn't that allowed because......it's AMERICA?!?!?! 

Well that's what I thought. 

So why is it when people don't agree with how you feel then you are the scum of the Earth? Or if you do something they don't agree with then you are dumb as a box of rocks and deserve a whole day of fb statuses dedicated to how dumb you are for believing what you believe. 

Everyone is allowed their own ish. 

If you agree with homosexuality and another doesn't......... Guess what that doesn't make them dumb it makes them human and this AMERICA! 

But it does make you just as hypocritical as you call them when you tell him how unethical they are for not believing in what they don't believe in. 

If someone chooses to celebrate their mother on Father's Day........guess what that is their right and their choice. If you don't like it don't do it and don't acknowledge it. But don't dedicate a whole day of fb statuses to how women should have made better decisions and they chose him and a woman can't raise a man and blah blah blah blah blah!!!!! 

Celebrate who and how you choose because........ It's AMERICA!!!! 

And if you feel that women can't/shouldn't be celebrated on Fathers Fay then celebrate your dad or whatever man/men in your life that deserve it and enjoy the day!!! 

Can't we all just get along?!?! 

Double Standard

It kills me how quickly people say "sexual immorality" when it comes to homosexuals. Yet no one has anything to say about all of the heterosexual immorality. Let us review. You're not supposed to 

Lust 

Touch yourself 

Have any kind of sex with someone that's not your spouse. 

No sex unless you're married. And if you are married, only with that one person. While thinking about that one person. 

People have all kinds of non married heterosexual sex and no one says shit. 

One night stand? Who cares? 

Gave your boss a bj? So what 

Sleeping with the married dude across the way? No biggie 

Shacking with and sleeping with someone you're not married to? Yawn 

You can't have it both ways. If it is immoral one way, it's immoral all ways. 

So please stfu 

Huhhhhhhhhhhh

them: i want an appointment. How much do you charge for new fingers and new toes?

Me: hi how are you. That would be a mere 75$

Them: 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!

Did your prices go up? 

Me: Not since the last time you got new fingers and new toes. 

Them: that's not in my budget. I'm on a serious budget 

Me: I understand. 

(Just for kicks) what is your budget 

Them: 45$ 

(What I heard) $16.49 

Translation: I'm going to the "chinks". 

*Insert blank stare here* 

I ate 9 mini kit-kats but apparently, that isn't enough

People are stupid. Just down right stupid.

Ok, so if you know me, you know I'm a full fledged Liberal Socialist Extremist (shut up YOU! lol!) on anything fiscal. No one in this country should be homeless or hungry. There's just too much greed and waste. And yes, we all know somebody(s) who is trifling and gets government assistance of some sort and blah, blah, BLAH.

But, you sound like a dumb ass fool when you try to rant about how you wish you had some food stamps to shop at SAMS CLUB (what, is that fancy?). Uhmm, yeah dumbass. You want the rest of the lifestyle that comes along with being on welfare? Yeah, I thought not.

STFU!

Dear Editor

You've looked at my article 12 times. 12! 

You requested a change, I  did it. 

Then you poked around a bit. 

And nothing. 

12 times. 

Approve my shit.  Thanks. 

:-/

Yeah, sure...it's trivial...but I don't care.

You're not married, that's not your "hubby". Go get a fucking marriage license and be married. Mmhmm 'kay pumpkin?

You Nasty

Why the hell do you call people while on the toilet at work? 

Hello ? 

 *fart* 

What are you *flush* doing? 

I was gonna *flush fart fart flush* call you later. 

*peeing noise* 

I don't know why he told you that 

*cough fart flushing* 

*turd hitting water* 

  

--------

Why? Why is this okay? People want to use the bathroom in peace.  Do you hate the person you're talking to that much that you subject them to hear other folks fart? 

How about you wait two minutes then call? 

You nasty 

STFU When You Talk To Me!

(c) Kanye, "Cold", Cruel Summer

STFU about how relaxers are 'bad' and natural hair is 'good'
Yet you'd still put damaging ass chemicals that color your hair. Errr. Research THAT.

STFU about how you've been relaxer free so why can't everyone else be
Maybe, dumbass, they have different hair, lifestyle, budget, etc, etc, etc or just don't to fucking be natural (anymore)?

STFU about how "Free" you are as a natural
I don't give a shit if my hair gets wet - I can blow dry the shit and flat iron it again. Some naturals are not going to let a fucking rain drop touch their head.

Better yet...just STFU!

People are dumb

Why do you think your opinion is the only one? Or should I say the only right one. 

Because someone doesn't agree with your viewpoint or simply has one of their own is no reason to negate what the other person says, thinks or feels. 

Oh my bad I forgot you were the life guru and only what happens in your brain is what's right. 

Give me a break. Get off your effin soapbox. 

I thought it was me

He has a "gerber baby butt"

I thought I had THE flattest butt in the world........NOPE 

Lemme lone!!!!

Leave my stuff alone. You knew I wasn't going to be around all the time from the jump. So that means its not a surprise. 

It doesn't mean go and pile all my stuff up in one spot when I'm not around. Leave my ish alone!!! I don't touch yours....don't touch mine! 

So then the answer is no I'm not joking when I say you are getting on my nerves. Cause you are!! You suck!!! 

Reality

Reality tv is a mindless, useless and ghetto waste of time............. DUH!!! 

Selfish

Selfishness is also a real disease!!!! 

Let me try it to see how it feels......

I DON'T GIVE A FLYIN FIG ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE GOING ON!!! 

YOU AND YOUR LIFE CAN KICK RICKS WITH NO SHOES ON AND AN INFECTED CUTICLE FROM THE ASIANS!!!!! 

OCS

Only Child Syndrome is real! Even if I did just make it up. 

And I have it! So what that I spent part of my life as a not only child, the majority wasn't and it has challenged my development! 

Oh well get over it!!! 

Lessons

Lessons are stupid. Especially ones that you learn over and over again because you don't believe the sky is blue. 

Even though sometimes it's kinda grey. 

Those grey skies suck at times but are necessary for growth. But growth is stupid. Why can't stuff just stay the same..... Be what it seems? 

Growth is a necessary evil but it can be dumb! 

Answer The Question

There are some questions in life that are hard to answer, like what is the square root of 56,242,204 and how do you say 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.  Chances are, people aren't asking you those questions on a daily basis.  I can totally understand making up or giving a different answer to those questions. 

What I don't understand is being elusive for no apparent reason.

"How many books did you check out from the library?"
  - "orange"

"Huh? How many books did you check out from the library?"
 - "octopus ovary oligopoly"

"So... how many books?"
 - "elephant debonaire barnacles" 

"F It"

So people give up talking to you, because you never answer the question.  But then something weird happens.

"You look mad"
 - "I am mad.  So mad.  Madder than the maddest mad mad"

"Why"
 - "I asked you to bring me the books I took out from the library, but you only brought 3 and I took out 4.  I told you I took out 4."

"No you didn't, you said 'orange, octopus ovary oligopoly, elephant debonaire barnacles"
 - "Right, I said 4"


Seriously?  How about you answer the fucking question in the first fucking place.  It's less stress for everyone. 

I don't give no shits bout yo feelings

Whyyyyy do adult people have sooooo many feelings that they want YOU to manage and be responsible for?! No thank you!

I don't want to be responsible for your feelings. Fuck your feelings; all 117 of them.

I swear to goodness the highway runs both ways...

Ugh Monday

The weekend is the most awesome time of the week by far. 

And then it's over and Monday is back.  It rears its ugly head and we have to do dumb things like go back to work and be responsible citizens.

Unfortunately, Monday encroaches on Sunday.  It's 8:13 Sunday evening and Monday is less than four hours away.  I'm already aggrevated. 

Go away Monday.  You suck and your Momma and no one likes you and kiss my ass.  All of those things.  Fucker.

STFU: A one size fits all approach

Etsy shop owner: Wah, wah, wah. People are stupid.

((Well, yeah, they are but...))

ESO: wah, wah, wah people are complaining because I have a 72 day make time on my custom tutu outfits

People With Helpful Suggestions: I would never think I needed to order a tutu 2 months out.


((WTF?! You do know that 72 days is like...2.5 months...10 weeks...and it's a tutu!?!? Okay plus shirt and headband...but WTF? ))

ESO: My outfits are highly customized.

PWHS: Maybe it's time for you to hire help

ESO: wah, wah, wah! I'm not hiring help!

PWHS: Well, if it takes 8 weeks to get an order out...maybe you should...Or raise your prices...

ESO: wah, wah, wah! I live 30 miles from civilization and no one will drive all the way here.

PWHS: 30 miles really isn't that far and someone looking for part time work might. Or maybe you should periodically stop taking orders so your make time is faster.

ESO: wah, wah, wah!!! That won't work!

PWHS: It worked for me.

ESO: ................

((WTF))


STFU!

Don't be a douche

I hate Facebook...it allows for so many to be d-bags. Don't be a d-bag...

Don't fake preach.
Don't be a fake thug.
Don't start fake internet drama.

And the real reason I was prompted to write...stfu (YES!) about high school vs. now. Everyday I see some lame ass post about how "if I didn't talk to you in high school, why would I talk to you now". Cause dumbass, you're like 37 now and high school was 2 decades ago.

There are people I was like, melded to in high school, and now we have zero, zilch, nada in common. Nothing. There are people that I didn't like - when I was fucking 14 - that I've found we have tons in common now as ADULTS. There are people who seemed like perfectly rational human beings at 16 that are straight up nut jobs now.

I really think I'm like one of the few people in the universe that doesn't define myself by high school. I don't give a shit about high school, it was over 15 years ago. And I don't want to go back there either. That's a dumb ass idea...just dumb.

So, don't be a douche. Just STFU and stop posting about how you haven't changed since you were 17...

So DRAMATIC!!!

Life is hard.  We all have large issues to deal with, mountains of debt, sick relatives, families being far apart, life decisions,  that kind of thing. 

That being said, there are a lot of things that are not large, things are small - petty even.  Yet people get all worked up about those things like it is the end of the world.   THE WORLD IS NOT FUCKING ENDING RIGHT NOW ASSHOLE! 

The fact that you were slightly inconvenience for a few minutes doesn't mean that the world should stop turning and mourn for your privileged time.  Things happen, no big deal.  Move on.  Everything that does not go in your favorite does not require a temper tantrum.  You'll be alright.  Put your big girl panties on and keep it moving. 

My Title is Not Personal Assistant

I love you. And I love that I can help you in the ways that I can...and hate that I can't help you in the ways that I'd like to.

But I'm not your assistant! I'm sorry. I can't be responsible for getting birthday gifts for this person and that person and dropping them off. I can't be your representative at function A and B. I have a whole lotta shit going on, man! I don't want to do half of my own shit.

Look Away!

It amuses me whenever someone gets all up in arms about what someone else chooses to portray on television. 

You don't like Madea, don't watch. 

You think the Real Housewives are a waste of time, don't watch. 

You think the Kardashians are sucking the knowledge from your brain? Don't watch. 

It's really that simple. To get all up in arms is a huge waste of energy. Yes, television portrays stereotypes.  This doesn't make them true about you. If you don't want to be a stereotype, then don't be. It's that simple. 

Not Buying It

Attn Little Person. 

Your fake cry is not convincing. You need more tears. 

Keep It On Your Body

I know that as we age things change. We can't do things the same way we used to. Things just are different. In fact, things can change from season to season. I UNDERSTAND even though I'm not exactly understanding. 

You see dog, I'm tired of your hair bring everywhere all of the time. I know you can't help it, you're getting RIF of your winter cost and your kind sheds the most possible hair for no reason. 

But, your hair is staring to make me stabby. I don't have time to vacuum every 23 minutes. So please keep your hair on your damn body. 

Please and thank you